Idle Worship

moving into films!

2010-11-04T20:29:00.003Z

Been extremely busy, holidaying in Ibiza, etc. Just thought I'd post a flyer for my new film! (straight to DVD). Available at your local Asda, Morrisons or Waitrose.

Mutley no more

2010-05-23T12:29:00.004+01:00

Just a quick post - I'm a bit shocked to hear of the death of Rob, author of Mutleythedogsdayout. Apparently he passed away peacefully in his sleep on Friday the 21 May. Easily one of my favourite blogs he will be sorely missed by everyone.

Thanks for all the laughs over the years Rob, and I hope your reunited with the lovely Mutley who passed away last year.

Frobi xx

Drag n Drugs

2010-05-21T20:07:00.003+01:00

More Filth

2010-04-07T20:22:00.005+01:00

Tee Hee

2010-04-01T21:47:00.002+01:00

Patrick's 21st Birthday - press ups outside Cafe Jagos!

Have you joined The Mavis Boyle Fan Club on Facebook yet?

Hmmm . . . tastes like chicken

2010-03-20T21:04:00.002Z

Chinese New Year!

2010-02-16T21:09:00.002Z

Fekking Freezing!!!

2010-01-10T18:02:00.004Z

This is getting beyond a joke, we are now in our second week of sub zero temperatures with no sign of a thaw. To make things worse there is a drought of weed available. Still the new series of "Dancing on Ice" starts tonight! so there's bound to be a bit of eye candy to warm the soul - one definite contender is going to be Heather Mills-McCartney, the boring ex-Beatle Paul McCartney's ex wife. I shall be watching intently to see if her leg drops off during the Bolero by Ravel Fingers crossed!

Happy Pagan Christmas

2009-12-23T13:51:00.003Z

At the Winter Solstice, we celebrate Children’s Day to honour our children and to bring warmth, light and cheerfulness into the dark time of the year. Holidays such as this have their origin as “holy days”. They are the way human beings mark the sacred times in the yearly cycle of life.
In the northern latitudes, midwinter’s day has been an important time for celebration throughout the ages. On this shortest day of the year, the sun is at its lowest and weakest, a pivot point from which the light will grow stronger and brighter. This is the turning point of the year. The romans called it Dies Natalis Invicti Solis, the Birthday of the Unconquered Sun.
The Roman midwinter holiday, Saturnalia, was both a gigantic fair and a festival of the home. Riotous merry-making took place, and the halls of houses were decked with boughs of laurel and evergreen trees. Lamps were kept burning to ward off the spirits of darkness. Schools were closed, the army rested, and no criminals were executed. Friends visited one another, bringing good-luck gifts of fruit, cakes, candles, dolls, jewellery, and incense. Temples were decorated with evergreens symbolizing life’s continuity, and processions of people with masked or blackened faces and fantastic hats danced through the streets.
The custom of mummers visiting their neighbours in costume, which is still alive in Newfoundland in U.S.A, is descended from these masked processions.
Roman masters feasted with slaves, who were given the freedom to do and say what they liked (the medieval custom of all the inhabitants of the manor, including servants and lords alike, sitting down together for a great Christmas feast, came from this tradition). A Mock King was appointed to take charge of the revels (the Lord of Misrule of medieval Christmas festivities had his origin here).
In pagan Scandinavia the winter festival was the yule (or juul). Great yule logs were burned, and people drank mead around the bonfires listening to minstrel-poets singing ancient legends. It was believed that the yule log had the magical effect of helping the sun to shine more brightly.
Mistletoe, which was sacred because it mysteriously grew on the most sacred tree, the oak, was ceremoniously cut and a spray given to each family, to be hung in the doorways as good luck. The celtic Druids also regarded mistletoe as sacred. Druid priests cut it from the tree on which it grew with a golden sickle and handed it to the people, calling it All-Heal. To hang it over a doorway or in a room was to offer goodwill to visitors. Kissing under the mistletoe was a pledge of friendship. Mistletoe is still forbidden in most Christian churches because of its Pagan associations, but it has continued to have a special place in home celebrations.
In the third century various dates, from December to April, were celebrated by Christians as Christmas. January 6 was the most favoured day because it was thought to be Jesus’ baptismal day (in the Greek Orthodox Church this continues to be the day to celebrate Christmas). Around 350, December 25 was adopted in Rome and gradually almost the entire Christian Church agreed to that date, which coincided with Winter Solstice, the Yule and the Saturnalia. The merry side of Saturnalia was adopted to the observance of Christmas. By 1100 Christmas was the peak celebration of the year for all of Europe. During the 16th century, under the influence of the Reformation, many of the old customs were suppressed and the Church forbade processions, colourful ceremonies, and plays.
In 1647 in England, Parliament passed a law abolishing Christmas altogether. When Charles II came to the throne, many of the customs were revived, but the feasting and merrymaking were now more worldly than religious.

Phew!

Christmas is Cumming!

2009-12-14T22:37:00.004Z

Seasons Greetings!

The Men of Idle Worship

2009-11-25T19:44:00.008Z

Hola! another post in November, you can tell its the dark winter nights are here! A new feature here on FrobishersFunPages is "The Men of Idle Worship". A cutie called Stuart Manning has caught my TV eye on "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here". But what happened to Ben Cohen I hear you all cry. Well, things haven't really been working out - complaints have been made to the Police about offensive emails sent to his wife - I think someone must have hacked into my computer and stolen my identity. So you know the usual shit - Anti-social behaviour order about going on line, restraining orders, etc. etc. Jeeez.

It's all a bit much, coming so soon after being arrested in the grounds of Clayesmore Boys School in Oct. I'd been out picking Liberty Cap mushrooms and tried a few and got lost. I wasn't dressed as a priest as rumoured I was wearing a Thawb Dishdasha a friend bought as a present back from Kuwait. Oh well, the files have been passed to the Crown Prosecution Service - so we'll just have to wait and see . . .

Anyways, back to "The Men of Idle Worship" featuring the mega-woof Stuart! (notice how he clips his chest now - not sure which I prefer, I hear he's on Facebook, I'll get on the case now).

A Vision of Beauty Revealed in Sleep

2009-11-15T22:28:00.004Z

Did I mention that I'm friends with Ben Cohen on Facebook? have you any idea what it's like to be costantly poked? (in joke). btw was in church AGAIN tonight- the cake afterwards was a lemon curd and mascopony (? spelling) which was suprisingly good, seeing as it looked like a collapsed volcano. The service itself was a little long - far too many "modern" hymms/songs - I longed for something rousing like Jerusalem where i look let rip. Talking of letting rip - someone passed wind during the service half way through a song, silent and deadly, it hung like a green fog in the room, so thick you could cut it into slices. Ah well, the devil moves in mysterious ways.

Oh Sister Where Art Thou?

2009-10-30T20:51:00.003Z

Happy Halloween everybody, thought I'd post a pic taken the other week at the River of Life Community Church in Dorchester! Anyone spot Beast? (clue: trying looking left)

Business as usual here

2009-10-11T17:48:00.008+01:00

Hello Folks! well its been a busy old summer here at Chez Naff. The usual round of parties/funerals openings/closings and work, work, work.

The kitchen is finally done! (only I can't get the plinths back on since the floors been laid, oh well). I now have a induction cooking hob and a fan oven! Everything is peachy, and no major cock-ups on the cooking front - make a lovely butternut squash chilli and baked some shortbread today. What the hell, I might even ressurect Frobishers Country Kitchen. Well, I must get settled for the X Factor tonight! Can you believe Dannii Minogue outed that poor little chap on TV last night? He looked like he was going to cry! (snigger)

Adios!

Driving shock!

2009-07-29T20:52:00.001+01:00

who'd have thought?

Sad Day for British Sport

2009-07-19T11:54:00.011+01:00

More sad news that Freddie (or should that be Freddy) Flintoff has retired from test Cricket. The strapping 6ft 4in Yorkshire player was a breath of fresh air to, frankly, a rather dull and boring game. His role in the game was an all-rounder (can it get any better), but has now decided to retire due to increasing injuries. No stranger to controversy, Freddie stole a pedalo after a late night drinking session in the West Indies and had to be rescued by the Coastguard after falling off (havent we all for christsakes). This resulted in him being stripped of the Vice-Captains job and fined/suspended for a match, which is an outragous way to treat a sporting hero. Still, thanks for the laughs & drinks Freddie, we'll miss you xxxxx.

BTW, sorting through (or thru for our colonial cousins) my photo album I came across a picture of a well-known blogger on one of his "windsurfing" holidays in the Greek islands! Answers on a postcard please . . . . .

There is a God

2009-07-14T09:27:00.006+01:00

POP hunk Duncan James last night confessed his shocking gay secret and admitted: "I'm bisexual. I've been in loving relationships with men as well as women - and I'm not ashamed.

"But even though I fancy men, I still fancy WOMEN too."

The Blue singer's revelation will stun his millions of female fans worldwide plus the dozens of women he has been linked with, including Geri Halliwell, Tara Palmer Tomkinson, Mavis Mountshaft, Martine McCutcheon and ex-Big Brother winner Kate Lawler.

But on the eve of the boyband's reunion tour, the handsome singer says it is time for him to let his fans know the truth.

In an emotional interview with the News of the World he said: "I was living a secret life. I went through a process of asking what the f*** am I?

Well a huge "surprise" here at Idle Worship. Geri Halliwell?? previously linked to George Michael (snigger), famous theatrical fag-hag Martine McCutcheon + notorious coke-head Tara Palmer-T - the clues were all there. Still the appearance the other year on "Dancing on Ice" should have sealed it. I've trawled the net for nekkid pic of Duncan but could only come up with this shapely pic of his foot. Ah well, won't be long before he's doing a centre spread for Attitude magazine.

Well you known the saying Bi today, Gay tomorrow

On a sadder note Mutley the Dog has gone to the big kennel in the sky. Bye bye Mutts.

Make a date in your Calendars!

2009-02-06T22:00:00.004Z

Looks like February is gonna be a busy one. I have a second career as a female impersator called "Mavis"!!!!

On the weather front its fricken' cold - be snowing all week and I have been trapped in the house with only the mangy cat and an oz for company - roll on the Spring, seen a few Snowdrops but there prob. crushed under the snow now. Isn't nature wonderful?

Vote Frobisher

2009-01-21T20:01:00.001Z

Now's the time for all good men
to get together with one another.
We got to iron out our problems
and iron out our quarrels
and try to live as brothers.
And try to find a piece of land
without stepping on one another.
And do respect the women of the world.
Remember you all have mothers.
We got to make this land a better land
than the world in which we live.
And we got to help each man be a better man
with the kindness that we give.
I know we can make it.
I know darn well we can work it out.
Oh yes we can, I know we can can
Yes we can can, why can't we?
If we wanna get together we can work it out.

And we gotta take care of all the children,
the little children of the world.
'cause they're our strongest hope for the future,
the little bitty boys and girls.

We got to make this land a better land
than the world in which we live.
And we got to help each man be a better man
with the kindness that we give.
I know we can make it.
I know darn well we can work it out.
Oh yes we can, I know we can can
yes we can can, why can't we?
If we wanna, yes we can can.

Pope's Christmas Message

2008-12-27T20:19:00.003Z

"Remember, every time you take it up the ass we lose an acre of rainforest"

Merry Crimbo!

2008-12-24T21:21:00.004Z

Don't worry it'll be a memory in a few days time. Christmas - a neverending cycle of misery and despair. Still, try and enjoy yourselves.

Wish List 2

2008-12-08T20:05:00.003Z

Were you as speechless I was when I saw this ad? How lovely, Crafted from genuine hardwood, these high-quality side tables feature charming artwork set under a bevelled glass top, and the legs and edge of the table are handsomely carved for a classic finish. A felt-lined drawer opens to store everything from remote controls to coasters, and the base features a removable shelf - perfect for newspapers or magazines - decorated with a sketch of your choosen breed.

And guess what only £119 plus £4 postage and handling each!

The only thing which is spoiling this Christmas bonanza is Ben Cohen has gone missing! Have you seen him? There has been nothing posted on his website since May.

I'm worried sick.

Christmas Present Wish List

2008-12-04T20:22:00.005Z

I thought I would start to list present I would like to receive for Christmas. Mainly because last year was piss poor:- a bottle of ginger wine (non-alcholic!), X-Men 3 (the worst in the trilogy, and I'd already seen it). A coin purse made from the scrotum of a kangeroo (thanks Beast), various acrylic jumpers (all returned to shops on Boxing Day for cash refunds) & a quilted hot-water bottle cover (which I am rather fond of).

When I was a little boy I remember a shop which had a Mynah bird which used to mimic words, rather clever like a parrot. And also a few years later there was one in a local pub which used to abuse customers as they came through the door. What great pets these birds make! I'd love one, perhaps it would fill the gap left by the tragic death of Coo-Coo. But you just don't see them any more - where have they all gone?

Man Bag Mania!

2008-11-13T20:01:00.006Z

We've all had a good laugh at Beast's grubby little man bag, a rather sad affair - stuffed with items he treasures. It reminded me of a bag left in the school changing room that no-one would claim, not even worth nicking.

Well lets have a look at my bag, in a different league for sure. It's a "Shilton", a by-word for quality for "people in the know".

Would you like to see the contents? Of course you would!
Well, from left to right we have:-

A fun size box of "Curiously cinnamon Cereal" - an essential if your blood sugar level starts dropping.

A can of Stella Artois, Frobi's favourite lager. Again an essential to prevent dehydration.

My Colt Shower Shot attachment. As it says on the box "This water accessory easily installs onto any standard shower for an incredible burst of ater pleasure and cleansing sensation. Soft, Jelly dong screws into the chrome flex hose for a secure mount. Unscrew shower head. Add washers to prevent water leak and screw in hose." This is an essential bit of kit, people still talk of my impression of the Trevi fountain in Rome when I hooked it up to the power shower in the changing rooms of the David Lloyd Sports Centre and shot artistic jets of water out of my mouth!

Red hankie ;-)

Johnsons Baby light oil spray, to give me a sultry glow.

Leather cock strap to keep everything up together and give that "bulge appeal" that women like so much. The male equivalent of a push up bra.

A pink Vivienne Westwood "Fuck your Mother" t-shirt, always a head turner!

Hemp Body Butter, great for dry skin! and smells divine - but I keep getting followed home by hippies.

"Fuckin Criminal" Boxer Shorts (30" waist). Worn with low-slung jeans ala Hip-Hop.

Pro-Sport Jock Strap, well you never know when your going to be invited to a Underwear party!

Roll-on deodorant - we here at frobishersfunpages spurn aerosols cause of the damage to the planet.

Hollow Rubber pipe weighted with lead at one end. Because of all the nutters out there! You gotta look after yourself.

Black balaclava.

Wet wipes.

Machismo magazine - Latino Bad Boy Issue! The Worlds #1 Latino Sex Magazine.

Blackout Eye Pads.

Skipping Rope - for those impromptu work-outs - wherever you might be.

2 packets of king size rolling papers (pure hemp of course) with an eight of Red Lebanese Hash and a quarter ounce of sticky black Afghan cream hash (personal - for medical reasons, my Social Anxiety Disorder).

A big fat wallet stuffed with money and a few sweeties.

You've all been MeMe'd - lets see what ya got in yourbags!

Sad News

2008-11-09T17:27:00.002Z

Alas poor CooCoo

Missing - please help

2008-11-02T14:45:00.003Z

NAME: Answers to the name "CooCoo".

LAST SEEN: Boscombe overcliff in Dorset - heading out to sea.

FAVOURITE FOODS bread, corn, small insects, french fries, hemp seed, KFC (has canabalistic tendencies), peanuts - well will eat anything really.

If you see CooCoo please let me know immediately, he's quite tame and will come if you have food - he will even eat from your hand! There is a substantial reward (POA), so if you can catch him and put him in a box and keep him safe till my arrival. We fell out after a stupid argument over nothing. How I wish I could turn back the clock.

If Music be the Food of Love?

2008-10-27T21:23:00.008Z

Well, First Nations has kicked it up again - here we go with my musical suggestions. Ekletic? hopefully, music is music and I don't want to hang around any dead end or ghettos.

Uh, going to do it in subdivisions prob. cause I'm anal & but its easier too.

POP anything by the Sugarbabes esp. Push the Button. The Feeling - Twelve Stops and Home, one of my favourite albums. Ditto The Pretenders, try The Singles album - everyone a classic. Kylie Minogue! Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi, my favourite track of hers. Beach boys - God Only Knows. Anything from ELO. Anything by The Smiths. The Avalanches - Since I left You. Kate Bush - The Man With The Child in His Eyes. Yaz - Only You. Human League the first 3 albums especially.

HIP HOP any Yoda album - the greatest cut and paste DJ there is. Old School - De La Soul & Tribe Called Quest. Destinys Child - So Good. Macy Gray's 1st album. Eminem's 1st & 2nd albums. Old Dirty Bastard - Baby Got Ya Money/Shimmy Shimmy Ya. Eric B & Rakim. Ugly Duckling. BDP. Mystika - Shake Ya Ass. KRS-1 - Soundof Da Police. Slick Rick - Mona Lisa. The Sugarhill Gang - Rappers Delight

DISCO/FUNK Donna Summer - Lucky, Last Dance, Heaven Knows, Could it Be Magic - the woman was a legend. Roy Ayres - Running Away. Sylvester - Dance/You Make Me Feel.

SOUL/GROOVE Soul to Soul - especially Fairplay. Erykah Badu - Back in the Day/Didnt Cha Know. Evelyn "Champagne" King - Love come Down. Chaka Kahn - One Million Kisses/I Feel 4 U/Eye to Eye. Patrice Rushen - Forget Me Nots. D Train - You're the One for Me. Mtume - Juicy Fruit. Anything by Ashford & Simpson especially Found a Cure. India - To Be in Love. Syreeta - I Wanna Be By Your Side. Al Green - Lets Stay Together/All n All. M People - How Can I Love You More. Anything by Loleatta Holloway. And of course Amy Winehouse. Chakachas - Jungle Fever. Got to Give It Up - Marvin Gaye India Arie - Video. MJ Cole - Sincere. Aaron Neville - Hercules. Womack & Womack - Love Wars/Footsteps.

AMBIENTEstelle by A Man called Adam. Lemon Jelly by Lemon Jelly (perhaps the best ambient album). Eno - Music For Airports. Tom Middleton - The Trip. Coldcut - Journeys by DJs .

PUNK the Clash's first album - a classic. Sex Pistols - Never Mind the Bollocks. Patti Smith - Because the Night/Piss Factory. New York Dolls - Personaity Crisis/Jet Boy. Damned - New Rose/Neat neat Neat/Love Song. The Boys - I Don't care. X-Ray Specs - I'm a Cliche/Germ Free Adolescents/The Day the World Turned Dayglo.

ODDS & SODSAlison Krauss - Down to The River to Pray/I'll Fly Away. Duncan Sheik - Something Somewhere. The Band - Look Out Cleveland. Grandaddy - He's Simple He's dumb, He's The Pilot. Mercury Rev - Holes. Mott The Hoople.

Sorry, this has got too stop. Where's the Bowie/Prince/Jackson/Madonna? I haven't even touched Disco properly & house music would take farrrr tooo looong. It's an impossible task, I'm just going back adding more and more. Anyway what do you think of the current crop of beauties on Manhunt cruising site? Glad to be gay? whatdo you think!

Film reviews

2008-10-19T15:48:00.005+01:00

Ugh! what a terrible film - beware of being told its a "feel good movie" - it made me nauseous. One Abba song murdered after another, with virtually no space between them, flimsy story. Nice shots of whatever Greek island it was tho'. Even as the film titles were being shown at the end they managed to squeeze another couple of song in.

They have now released a "sing along" version to the cinemas - absolute hell. Its no wonder people stay in and play on their computers!

Sunday 19th

2008-10-19T14:48:00.002+01:00

test

Another Spanish Post

2008-10-09T20:03:00.007+01:00

I thought I'd better post the some pics of my Spanish break before it becomes a distant memory - it's amazing how quickly you forget after getting back home.

I stayed in a luxury villa high in the Mountains near a village called Alhaurin el Grande, with my old friend Keith being host. Nice quiet location with its own pool and grounds with almond trees, fig trees, pink peppercorn trees & the ubiquitous olive trees. Only half an hour drive to the coast and the fleshpots of Torremolinos and Marbella it was a perfect location.

Not much to do there so read loads, Bright, Shiny Morning by James Frey, a good book but the punctuation was terrible.

It did mean having to travel down to the wonderful Thermos San Miguel for my "jollies" but thats another post in itself.

How do you keep up Frobisher? literaly. Well, Viagra basically. Since my favourite online medication service was shut down by the American authorities I have had to cast my net far and wide. You can actually get Viagra from Boots the Chemist in England without a doctors prescription, if you submit to a blood pressure and diabetes test. Or my favourite is DrThom (www.drthom.com) can prescribe Viagra if you fill in a health questionnaire.

And if things get out of hand try www.viagraholics.com - its only a matter of time.

Right, I must go. I promised I'd go for a dog walk with Beast tonight. So unfortunately the nekkid pics of hot Spanish men must await for another time. I'll leave you with a pic of some thug who lived 5km walk from the villa and constantly made lewd & crude sexual suggestions to me, sometimes up to four times a day!

New post next week!

2008-10-05T20:16:00.003+01:00

Return to Dorset

2008-09-28T19:47:00.005+01:00

This is the new official flag of Dorset

Well the summer is now over, I have decided to return to England's green and (not so) pleasant land. As regulars know I have been "resting" in Spain for an extended period but I felt that the time was right to come back (ran out of money). As usual Spain was fantastic hot sunny days and sultry nights, cheap booze, hot rent boys, sublime scuff and high octaine Colombian coke. What more could you ask for? Pics to follow!

But on a plus side, although Britain has gone down the shitter, September is a vitally important month here in Dorset with Mushroom season! Frobishers' favourite hallucinogenic mushrooms "Liberty Caps". What with the usual British summer - rain, rain & more rain - the conditions are great for Psilocybe Semilanceata (Liberty caps) to show their little nipple like heads.

You'll find the little fuckers hiding amongst grass, in fields, heaths, parks, meadows and sometimes roadside verges. Look for somewhere which has been kept wet throughout the summer (ie Britain). Fields which are in the sun near rivers or low-lying ground are a good place to start looking. They are tiny and you won't notice them walking along, get down on your knees and part the grass. Don't get too pissed off if you don't find any, it might be too early in the season, the wrong spot or the wrong day. If you find one, others will be nearby! They don't grow on dung so don't waste time poking around sheep shit.

Collect your Liberty caps in a cardboard box/tray - DON'T use a plastic bag - they'll end up a watery mush. And don't rip them up, pinch the stalk with your nails so you don't damage the fungi under the ground. Leave the little ones - they'll be bigger tomorrow.

I usually make a "tea" with them, allow about 50 (there only small) per person. It tastes like ditchwater so try and hold it down. Making fudge with them is a great way of ingesting, the sugar takes away the horrible taste. You'll come up on Shrooms much faster than acid, 15-20 mins, first thing you'll notice is your visual field & colours distorting, building up to full trip. Shrooms are much safer than acid and you'll only trip for 4-5 hours tops. You'll probably laugh yourself silly, but be careful, choose a safe location and good company to do them, the visuals can be intense. Going out on them is virtually impossible!

Happy Harvest Festival!!!!!

Hands across the Ocean - Frobishers' Country Kitchen on tour!

2008-07-30T20:19:00.006+01:00

Well finally the Camera has decided to talk to the computer again, I did my usual IT wizzardry and just kept trying again and again till it worked - who needs helplines?

Well after being fired up by reading First Nations Meatloaf recipe I decided to give it a go - I notice no garlic in FN's so I immediately added. Suppose that the great thing about Meatloaf you can pretty much do what you want with it. Curious, I searched the web for more recipes & history. It's not a popular dish in the UK and probably orginated from the German "Fricadellen" and was taken over by German settlers. All went well and got two lovely wenches Hayley & Kate Moose round for dinner. I also did potatoes mashed with milk and butter mixed with refried beans and a few green beans. All this washed down with the finest alcohol Asda could supply!

Other news: I have been headhunted by BomoCreatives! A "social networking for people who want to make Bournemouth a more dynamic, inclusive and metropolitan place"! Wow, although I heard whispers that they needed a token poof. I have been made Treasurer, a role of utmost importance & responsibility, I have been given the task of organising the raffle at the Quatorze Juillet - a French Cultural Celebration, taking place at the Creme Brulee, 4 Landowne Rd., Bournemouth on the 14th. For prizes I thought a big tin of toffees, bottles of Cava (on special offer in Aldi), an egg slicer and a Anal Douche.

Kate relaxes and savours Frobishers' delicious Meatloaf meal, obviously lost for words.

A month passes like a blink of the eye

2008-07-20T10:42:00.006+01:00

Hola! it hardly seems almost a month since my last post, I have been innundated by emails enquiring about my health and wishing me a speedy recovery (one). Well as you know from Beast's tawdry little blog, Cafe Cuntt is up and running. It has been a steep learning curve for everyone involved, especially MrC, but things look like they are taking shape. I keep meaning to take some photos but the digital camera batteries seem to keep running out of juice at a frightening rate. Do rechargeable batteries actually have a lifespan?

So, in a flash of lateral thinking I bought a couple of postcards to give you a feel of Dorchester, where the Cafe is. Unfortunately, glossy postcards don't scan too well. Above is the street where the cafe is located, the photo must have been taken just outside Cafe Cuntt looking down the street. On the left hand is the museum and on the right hand is "Judge Jefereys Restaurant & Coffee House" (now a Prezzo pizza place). The text on the back of the card says "Following Monmouth's defeat at Sedgemoor, the county town of Dorchester was the scene of the infamous Bloody Assizes presided over by 'hanging' Judge Jeffreys. Look it up you lazy sods.

The next postcard is a bit more interesting: ANCIENT DORSET: Ammonites on Charmouth beach date from 280 million years ago. Much more recent, Maident Castle dates from the iron age. The ruined parish church of Knowlton sits inside a Neolithic Henge. The Cerne Abbas Giant stides across the landscape As you can see, we have history up to our arseholes here in Dorset - you can barely walk down the street without tripping over some monument or ancient burial site.

Other news: depressed by the continuing bad weather this summer in England I have booked a holiday in Spain! I have dug out the flip-flops and mankini from the wardrobe and will be departing early September, the Viagra has been ordered over the internet & Mr Stinks (the cat) has been told he'll have to fend for himself in September!

Death and all his friends

2008-06-24T18:55:00.003+01:00

Health News: I am recovering from dental surgery at the mo' - I've had an abscess removed from my gum. It was too deep to get at through the tooth so had to go to the hospital for day surgery. They refused to give me general anaesthetic and only gave me a local, my request for "certain" painkillers or even a horse tranquiliser was turned down flat and suggested I use paracetamol!

This is whats wrong with the National Health Service in this country - they just don't listen to the patients. Still, fingers crossed I didn't contract MRSA. So I am self medicating, long gone are the days when a phone call to (Sir) Dr. Blick would prompt a flurry of prescription forms. He was struck off by the General MedicalCouncil and has apparently set up a private practice in Cyprus now (lucky sods). My online medication service has been apparently shut down by the DEA in America, the owners are on the run (with my credit card details). A thorough search of the medicine cabinet and also under the bed also failed to bring results.

Still, a quick visit to Winty Bantaan's BMW, parked conviently in Burger King's car park in Tower Park, Poole (Mon-Sat 6-9pm, all day Sundays) came up trumps. I manage to purchase a quarter of weed, a heavy-hitting indica - great for pain relief and helping sleep while recovering.

Now - many people use weed medicinally, it can treat a wide range of symptoms, isn't toxic and has a plus side of being pleasurable. If it wasn't fun would it be a legal medicine? Undoubtably. What is it with all this puritanical bullshit?

Anyways, try and give the event above some support if you can. It really is a lifesaver to many people. Me? I shall be far too stoned to leave the house to attend.

Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly

2008-06-15T17:38:00.004+01:00

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I dunno why she swallowed that fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd, to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a cat,
Imagine that, she swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a dog.
What a hog! To swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat . . .
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog . . .
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a cow.
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat . . .
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog . . .
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat . . .
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly.
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a horse -
She's dead, of course.

I loved this song when I was a kid, any ideas who did it?

Psychic to the Stars

2008-06-03T20:33:00.003+01:00

Well on Sunday in my role as President of the East Dorset Cheese Board and cultural attache for the "Sod the 2012 Olympics" campaign I attended An Audience with Sally Morgan at the Bournemouth Pavilion. Expectations were running high as Mitch, Paul & myself downed a couple of beers in the bar before the show. We'd all been fans of the TV show where she astounded and shocked "C" list celebrities with her spot on psychic abilities and seemed to have an open line to the spirit world.

I too used to hear "voices" telling me things (usually to shoplift) but these seem to have stopped since I gave up Crystal Meth.

Unfortunately the dumpy Sally didn't live up to expectations. She came on stage and did a little film show, mainly clips from her TV series. She then took "letters", questions from the audience written down beforehand, the cameraman on stage zoomed in on the unfortunate audience member and a mic was thrust into their hands. She barely got three right in the whole two hour show.

"I have a spirit here called Robert, here for you."

Audience member: "Err . . . I don't know a Robert"

"Bob, Bobby, Robbie, Rob, Roberta, Bert, Bertie, Beetie, Bee?"

Sorry no

Moving quickly on. "He's Gone, I have a message for Jane in the audience". "Is there a Jane here?" About fifty hands go up.

"Fred wants you to know he's ok"

Embarassed silence. "He's gone" "Lets take another question". And so it went on.

Perhaps I'm being a bit cynical but it was a bit embarrassing, and a number of people walked out in the interval. If you were a doubter I don't think this show would have won you over. But all the time she was on stage she reminded me of a show I saw there by Alan Carr. See the resembalance? And he was much better value for money.

Bye Bye

2008-05-28T19:19:00.004+01:00

Sad day as Barney, one of Mr Cunnt's longest serving dogs passed away today. Intelligent and cunning he could work out how to open a cupboard, door or fridge on his neverending quest for food. Have bittersweet memories of him chewing my shoes, mobile, valued heirlooms, etc. Always remember spending ages trying to catch him after he rolled in fox shit and realising he had been naughty refusing to come and running away when you approached him. A great dog all 'n' all and will be sorely missed by everyone who knew him.

Beryl Cook, 81, also died today. Her pictures of buxom women, sailors and ordinary people were a joy & lifted the spirits, and were printed on millions of cards, calendars and the like. In retrospect I feel she will be considered one of the UK's most important artists, although sneered at by the Art World for being "popular".

Thanks for all the smiles Beryl, RIP.

Birthdays?

2008-05-19T21:50:00.004+01:00

Wouldn't this make the ideal gift for any bithday blogger you know?? *nudge* or do you think it would be hurtful? *winks*

May Post!!!

2008-05-11T23:11:00.005+01:00

Oh myh

Hello! I thought I better post something before people started deleting me from their links.

The pictures are from Gos's "Lashes and Earrings" Party the other year, but I thought they were worth a posting. The next one I think I'll get bigger lashes and huge earings - as you can see, I'll a little suttle, completely overshadowed by Gos and Melissa, oh dear I do look a little rough A little tired & emotional. But a good craic.

Cocktail Du Jour is B&B a great mix 50/50 mix of Brandy and Benedictine

The Curse of the Queen Mother

2008-04-26T17:36:00.004+01:00

I have a little pottery figurine of the Queen Mother, given to me as a birthday present by good friend Paul, many moons ago.

I think it has supernatural powers. When ex-Royal butler Paul Burrell wrote a expose book about his time as Diana, Princess of Wales personal assistant the Queen Mother figure topped off the mantle piece shattering her pottery walking stick.

After this unfortunate incident something else spooky happened. Princess Margaret, the Queen's gin-drinking, smoking, slut of a sister died of a stroke. The Queen Mother took another dive off the mantle piece and a leg smashed off (cleverly repaired by moi with superglue).

After she died at the ripe old age of 101 years old. I respectfully moved the Queen Mothers statue upstairs to the bedroom. Imagine my horror waking the other day and finding it on the floor with the head broken off! What horror will now befall the Royal Family? Death? Disease? Divorce?

Watch this space and remember where you read it first!

Cultural Corner

2008-04-19T09:52:00.004+01:00

Off to the theatre last night! Went with Gos and the lovely Simone to see Pam Ann (gettit?) at the refurbished Pavillion in sunny Bournemouth. Basically a stand up comedy where she plays a airline stewardess with props, wasn't sure what to expect but it turned out to be really funny. She seems to have quite a cult following, especially with airline crews - the place was chocca with them last night (lots of homosexuals), and they lapped it up. I suppose you can check her out on YouTube-thingy.

Unfortunately the stop cock fiasco trundles on relentlessly, the water board couldn't work out why they couldn't turn the water off completely and will be digging up the road! when, they couldn't tell me, hopefully soon as they've left me with a trickle of water to survive on. The central heating/hot water boiler has also entered its death throes as well. God knows what the third thing will be that goes wrong - bad luck always comes in threes.

I feel the world has started to conspire against me again.

Thursday Funny! (no3 in series of 2,000)

2008-04-18T09:31:00.003+01:00

Well I've decided to give Garfield a rest - he just wasn't funny anymore, well he hasn't been funny since 1978. In fact I might give the cartoons a rest completely, although hits to Idle Worship have trebled since I stopped writing anything.

I have the honour of waiting in all morning for the Bournemouth & Hants Water Board to arrive (anytime between 9am and 2pm). Basically my stopcock has broken and needs replacing under the sink, but the plumber couldn't locate the external one to turn off the water flow, it could be 1 of 4 and one of those was broken. Its bound to be mine which is broken.

Still, its a shitty weather day - getting a bit worried just under two weeks till May and no sign of sunshine.

Does anyone else think that blogging is getting a little tired these days?

Garfield Triple Bill

2008-04-04T21:45:00.004+01:00

Thursday Funny 2!

2008-03-27T21:24:00.002Z

Thursday Funny!

2008-03-20T11:58:00.004Z

A new feature on FrobishersFunPages, I have bought up the rights to publish Garfield! Enjoy every thursday from now on.

Remind you of anyone?

2008-03-18T17:16:00.003Z

Mary: Tell me, Edmund: Do you have someone special in your life?

Edmund: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Mary: Who?

Edmund: Me.

Mary: No, I mean someone you love, cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt.

Edmund: Erm . . . Still me, Really

Richard Curtis, Blackadder Goes Forth.

Bye bye Marky Mark

2008-03-17T18:22:00.004Z

Sad day today, attended a funeral for Mark who hung himself a few weeks back. Only found out a few days ago by a phone call from a mutual friend. Strange cause I hadn't seen him for a few years now, but have happy memories of clubbing and going to Phoenix festival with him in the late 90s. I thought he was happy, he'd met a girl and settled down with her and her kids and seemed to be enjoying life as a dad, but he was still mixing with a bad crowd and all the shit that comes with that. He was always a bit of a dick, but he had a good heart.

Rest in peace Mark

Garden MeMe

2008-03-07T19:09:00.003Z

Well the latest MeMe going round blogland is "the view from your kitchen window" as you can see I have three Phoenix Palms which seem to like it there, underneath them is a plant Echeveria elegans which is a beautiful grey colour and sometimes flowers in the summer. It's a great ground cover plant and produces little mini "babies" of itself - it usual prefers full sun but it seems to be doing ok under the palms. On the left hand is a Arum lily - a little early for flowers, and it doesn't like the winter much but still pulls through. The hedge on the left hand is Hawthorn and is currently is a fight to the death with the dreaded ivy, later on in the summer the honeysuckle joins in the fray, which you can literally watch growing. A Blackbird nested in the hawthorn bush last year but abandoned the nest as that stupid old Spanish idiot next door kept sticking his nose in the bush looking at it.

"Ha ha, de yellow nose bird lay some egg, ha ha ha" - the stupid cunt.

Well basically I challenge everyone to post the view from their kitchen window. Get snapping.

A Vision of Beauty revealed in Sleep

2008-03-01T21:35:00.002Z

Goodbye February - I'll miss you x

Free Grooverider!

2008-02-27T19:17:00.003Z

Sad news reaches us here at Chez Naff. DJ Grooverider has been jailed for four years in the United Arab Emirates for possession of 2.16 grams of marijuana. Grooverider & Fabio's Radio One Drum 'n' Bass show is a favourite here, and if you've been to a big rave in the last 20 years chances are Grooverider would be playing at it.

Aparently he was in Dubai for a DJ set at a nightclub and had the puff in his back pocket of a pair of jeans in his suitcase. This follows on the heels of Keith Brown, a holidaymaker, who was jailed for 4 years for 0.003 grams of marijuana and a Swiss National who also received 4 years after 3 poppy seeds from a bread roll were found on his jumper!

Who do these camel fuckers think they are? I wouldn't go to Dubai if you paid me, the fuckers are only after our money - they've been fleecing us for years with the oil prices. Still, I suppose the jail birds are lucky they didn't chop off their hands or something.

BOYCOTT ALL ARAB COUNTRIES -
HOLIDAY AT HOME

Curry sauce recipe!

2008-02-15T19:24:00.003Z

After considerable pressure I am prepared to divulge an old family recipe for curry sauce!

1 onion
1 apple
1 tablespoon of curry powder (Madras if you can get it, Sharwoods do good curry powder)
2 tablespoons of oil
2 tablespoons of plain flour
20 ounces of water
1 tablespoon of tomato puree (tomato ketchup if your a pikey)
pepper to taste
lemon juice to taste

Fry the apple & onion in the oil till soft and tender, stir in the flour and cook for 2 minutes. Then remove from the heat and add rest of ingredients. Return to the heat and simmer for 15 minutes.
Voila!

Pour liberally over chips and eat. Enjoy!

Film reviews!

2008-02-13T21:29:00.004Z

Cloverfield - well it was all shot by hand held video camera (supposedly - a la Blair Witch Project). This didn't really get you to know any of the characters in any depth, or care about them.

New York is being trashed again by a monster - why is it always New York? I've never really understood that. King Kong, Godzilla, Osama & the list goes on and on. A group of good looking people at a party at a gorgeous New York loft apartment are caught up in the middle of it. For some bizarre reason the main character goes half way accross the city to rescue his ex-girlfriend! and half a dozen other idiots go with him as well instead of escaping!! anyway people get killed, explode, eaten my mutant spiders, etc. Then they all die 'cause the military flatten the whole of Manhatten with a bomb to kill the monster.

The End*.

Delicious curry flavour gravy sauce for your chips (freedom fries) tomorrow!

*Frobishers fun pages - going to the cinema so you don't have to

Shock Horror - Tim Vincent voted off Dancing on Ice

2008-02-11T20:53:00.001Z

Well last night we had the first major upset as Tim Vincent was cruelly voted off ITV's "Dancing on Ice". The obviously biased judges voted to save wooden oaf Steve Blackley in a tense dance off.

Here at Chez Naff me and visitor Marilyn were horrified, coming soon after an exhausting 2 and a half hour TV marathon watching Come Dine with Me (currently the best programme on TV). This seriously depletes the eye candy on Dancing on Ice. Lucky American viewers can catch our Tim as host of NBC's show Phenomenon as is also a reporter on Access Hollywood.

Still, the English Rugby team thrashed the ghastly Italian team on Sunday in the Six Nations tournament, so some sort of sweetner I suppose. Well, if you can't beat the Italians you might as well give up for good.

And this week is National Chip Week! I will be posting delicious gravy based sauces for your chips later in the week. Ta-ta.

Tim Vincent off Dancing on Ice

2008-02-11T20:53:00.000Z

Frobishers Country Kitchen - recession special

2008-02-05T20:41:00.000Z

Well we are all feeling the financial pinch at this time of year, suddenly that extra eighth of gak at the Christmas party seems a little indulgent in the cold, hard light of the new year.

Here at Chez Naff a considerable amount of belt tightening is going on - Mr. Stinks is living on toast and Marmite, much cheaper than than awful cat food in sachets. To cut down on costs I have been shoplifting wherever possible, and evenings out are made more reasonable by cadching ciggys and stealing peoples drinks!

But when it comes to the kitchen I have decided to share with you some wallet-friendly recipes. Enjoy!

DRIED PEA PATTIES

A Jamaican favourite, passed on by my favourite dealer, Winty Leroy Bantaan. Ingredients:-
80z dried peas 1 tblspoon melted sunflower margarine 2 large eggs 4oz wholewheat self-raising flour 5fl oz skimmed milk seasoning
Cover the peas with boiling water and soak overnight. Drain and rinse, then cover with fresh water and simmer for 45 minutes or until very tender. Drain and puree , then add the butter, eggs, flour and milk and season with sea salt and black pepper.
Fry spoonfulls of the mix in pan until crisp and brown, turning once. Drain patties on kitchen roll and serve hot with veggies or salad and pitta bread.

SARDINE FISHCAKES

2lb potatoes butter 2 x tins sardines in olive oil (35p a tin in Aldi's!) 3 tbsp chopped parsley oil for frying flour for dusting lemon juice
Peel/boil then mash potatoes add knob of butter - mix should be fairly stiff and dry. Mash fish (not to puree) and mix with potato, add half chopped herbs & pepper.
Cool, and then make into about 16 little cakes and put on a floured baking sheet. Leave in fridge to chill for about 30 minutes - this will stop them speading as they cook.
Fry over moderate heat, be careful with them or they will break, turning once with fish slice. When cooked through and golden brown serve with lemon to squeeze over.

More to follow!

The Clash

2008-01-18T19:16:00.000Z

Is this the greatest Rock 'n' Roll
album of all time?

Especially for First Nations (above)

Can you give a home to poor Nobby?

2008-01-13T15:36:00.001Z

Nobby a rare Rhesus Macaque monkey is on the lookout for a new home after a Police raid.

Those cunts at Boots the Chemist tipped off the cops after developing a film for a customer and discovering images of the monkey using a canabis pipe and looking disorientated (again nosey parkers in Boots, instead of working setting themselves up as censors riffling through peoples photos, mind you so would I).

Essex Police mounted a seven-man raid on the home of Nobby's owner, vowing to get a court order to take the monkey into care.

But when officers tried to rescue the animal it turned on cops and screamed and growled, forcing the lawmen to back off.

The creature was apparently content with it's environment and unwilling to be rescued.

But animal welfare workers are now seeking a responsible keeper for Nobby after he recently found himself in need of a new owner.

At the time of the raid PC Dave Clark said: "Nobby's strong and was determined not to let anybody near him. "Even though he's castrated he's still a very dominant male. I was afraid he'd tear my arm off."

The police found no drugs at the flat. But the primate's then owners confessed that their pet had helped himself to their hash.

The exotic monkey is native to Afghanistan, India and China, but they are rarely found in captivity in the West.

Could you open your home and heart for poor Nobby? I was thinking that he might make a fun new addition to Chez Naff, unfortunately Mr. Stinks the cat is horribly unsocial & I have a fox that has taken up residence in the back garden under the shed.

Dear Dr. Frobisher

2008-01-07T21:13:00.000Z

Dear Dr. Frobisher We've known a group of boys for six months now and we have been going to a local youth club with them every friday night. Recently one of the boys has come to mean more to us. One Friday he was embarassing. Now he's not talking to us. Please help.

Joanne & Vicky, Westbourne.

You obviously are a immature, sarcastic type with a loose grip on reality. He just showing instinctive reactions and, in the short term nothing to worry about. Just try to control it. And try to understand that these aggressive feelings are perfectly natural.

Dear Dr. Frobisher I have been going out with a boy called Alan for four months. Every time I go out with him he loses his temper. I've been trying to break off with him, but I can't, because ever time I say it he breaks down and cries. then I can't help but go back with him. I feel I'm tied down all the time, not allowed to speak to other boys. I am really getting fed up and I don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to him, but all he says is he would hate to lose me.

Melanie, Boscombe.

It seems to me that you don't really want to go to bed with him - at any rate, not yet. Of course your feelings are aroused and of course you are tempted.; And only there weren't all those other reasons - parents, peer pressure, fear - holding you back, you'd hop into bed with him like a shot!

Dear Dr. Frobisher In my job working in IT time goes so slowly. I get really hungry by tea-break. So I stuff myself silly out of boredom! I know it's stupid but I don't want to end up as a big fat bloated pig!!

Madge, Southbourne.

First, get the local newspaper and scour the entertainments pages, the small ads, the personal column - the lot. You may find there are discos you never knew of, plays on in the park, bands visiting the nearest big town, jumble sales organised by the Scouts, Donkey Derbys, Whist Drives . . . even if it sounds ridiculous, at least give it a try. If you go along in a gang, you're bound to have a giggle, wherever you are!
Go on shopping trips to parts of the town you've never been to before, too. Scour the backstreets for little curio and junk shops, go into tiny old-fashioned clothes shops and old bookshops - all these places are full of treasures, just waiting to be found!

Thought for the Day

2007-12-30T22:34:00.000Z

Merry Fucking Christmas

2007-12-21T15:43:00.000Z

Frobishers Christmas County Kitchen

2007-12-10T18:23:00.000Z

Well, inspired by First Nations herbal treats I thought I'd publish a seasonal favourite here at Chez Naff.

CHOCOLATE HASH TRUFFLES
4oz good quality dark chocolates
1 and a half tbsp dark rum or brandy
1oz butter
1 egg yolk
12oz sifted icing sugar
1 tsp of coffee essence
Sixteenth of an ounce of soft black hash

Break the chocolate into pieces and place in a bowl with the butter. Melt gently over bowl of hot water or microwave. Stir in the egg yolk sugar, essence and booze. When thoroughly mixed leave in a cool place to firm up slightly.

Roll the mixture into 24 balls with damp hands. Toss in desiccate coconut or chocolate hundreds and thousands (vermicelli).

You could replace the rum/brandy with milk if you prefer.

I know, i know, some of you will be carping "ONLY A SIXTEENTH!" I've put more than that in a bong!". But less is more, eating hash is soooo much stronger than smoking the shit. Best to take things slowly, you can always eat more. Also wait, could be an hour, hour and a half, before they kick in.

Enjoy! Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia!

The Green Man

2007-12-07T19:32:00.000Z

Winter Solstice now draws near
And all good pagans gather here.
Through frost and snow, in the dead of night,
they come to witness ancient rite.
In forests deep, their secrets keep.
This night the Green Man will appear.

They gather at the sacred Oak
And mystic runic word are spoke.
In ritual thats as old as time
an elder chants a rustic thyme.
He shakes a spring of Mistletoe,
and Green Man stirs beneath the snow.

From Yew and Beech and root of Thorn
Into the Solstice night, new born.
He will take shape for just this night,
above the yule log, burning bright.
As rebirth comes from this year's death,
So Green Man draws his first new breath.

From burrow, set, roost and perch,
all creatures come to nature's church.
From yule log fire and frozen earth
They conjure up Green Man's rebirth
His form is dark as weathered bark.
The Green Man stands before the dawn.

Like smoke he fades into the light,
he fades into the light of day.
Like frost he slowly melts.
The Green Man's work it is now done,
for with the rising of the sun.
A sapling stands, where there was none.

Ready Teddy Go

2007-12-01T14:14:00.000Z

Gues what the biggest Christmas toy this year is going to be?

That's right! the good old teddy bear. If you been on another planet recently you won't have heard. Gillian Gibbons , a 54-year-old teacher from Liverpool, England has been jailed for allowing her pupils to call a teddy bear "Mohamed" in Sudan, Africa.

Yesterday, after Friday prayers the streets of Khartoum, Sudan were filled with protesters whipped up by Islamic preachers with loudhailers shouting "Kill her, kill her by firing squad" and "No tolerance - execution" and other such peaceful slogans.

Again, Islam has shot itself in the foot again. Despite, hand-wringing assurances that Islam is a peaceful, respectful relgion, its true colours are on display. I hope this is a wake up call to all those apologists for them. As far as I can see it has a pathological hatred for the West and all its liberal, democractic and tolerant views.

I honestly think that radical Islam is a greater threat to the world than Global Warming, and a threat that won't go away and needs to be addressed.

Detox over!

2007-11-26T21:44:00.000Z

Location: Winty Bantaans gourmet take-a-away, Boscombe Crecent. 8pm, after seven gruelling days detox.

Good Evenin' Sah!

Howdy Winty!

W'hapen Frobi, ya na gone show u face?

*shudders* - a long story.

Your usual table sah?

Thank you Winty. Whats the menu du jour?

Weelll, let mi se. Starters we got some niiccee Jamaican Lambs breath collie weed followed by California Sunshine MDMA capsules and some fine rocks fresh from Hackney. Washed down with some Stella Artois (imported of course), and some fine Turkish opium.

Mmmmmm . . . .

F' afters we have 400mg Kamagra, and i took the liberty of firing up the computer t' Gaydar! antispating that sah will be cruising for meaningless "beasting" with dodgy, shaven headed, thugs?

Winty you spoil me, it's good to be back!

*legal note:- FrobishersFunPages does not condone drug use. All characters mentioned in this post are entirely fiction and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purelly conincidental. Remember to practice safe sex when having hot, hardcore sex with dodgy men, and hide your wallet.

Detox

2007-11-20T22:16:00.000Z

Having a little clean up here at Chez Naff, fed up of waking up to this in the morning, I am having a "detox". I am doing remarkably well, and haven't felt too bad at all - everything just seems a little "flat". I am reading everyones blogs but just can't be bothered to comment.

Well 24 hrs down - lets see what horrors await me in the next day. I reckon I can make it to the weekend.

Words of Wisdom from Nigella

2007-11-15T20:02:00.001Z

"Hairiness. I like an animal. Hairy back, hairy everywhere.
I don't understand why a woman would want to be with a hairless man. If I was going to go for someone smooth,
I may as well be a lesbian"

I wonder who she could have been thinking of?

Ben Cohen lives!

2007-11-13T21:33:00.001Z

Exciting news - Ben Cohen (finest Rugby player of his generation) will be signing copies of his new 2008 Calendar at the Prowler Store in Soho this Thursday!!! I received an email from Mr NewForestPony - he was literally wetting himself with excitement - about this. If you don't know Prowler is a upmarket gay mans sex shop - has Ben seen the light? either way he has the gay market by the balls. Profits from the calendar will go to the Orchid Trust pioneers in the fight against testicular cancer & the Northamtonshire Air Ambulance service.

I can feel a "sickie" coming on for work on Thursday and have given my Daihatsu Charade notice we will be travelling up to Londonium and have started to make my packed lunch already. What shall I wear? Also congratulation to Ben, he is now a proud father to twin baby girls (Isabelle & Harriette) - this comes as no surprise, he could get a woman pregnant just by looking at her.

On a serious note he has parted company with his team, Northampton Saints, by "mutual consent". What the hell is going on? are these people mad? Still, a glittering career in Gay Porn awaits. I for one would re-mortgage Chez Naff to finance a film (as long as I was in it). I was thinking of some titles "40 days and 40 nights" perhaps or "Last Tango in Dorset" "Ben does Bournemouth".

I'm off for a wank.

All systems go?

2007-11-08T21:29:00.000Z

If you make a revolution, make it for fun,

don’t make it in ghastly seriousness,

don’t do it in deadly earnest,

do it for fun.

Don’t do it because you hate people,

do it just to spit in their eye.

Don’t do it for the money,

do it and be damned to the money.

Don’t do it for equality,

do it because we’ve got too much equality

and it would be fun to upset the apple-cart

and see which way the apples would go a-rolling.

Don’t do it for the working classes.

Do it so that we can all of us be little aristocracies on our own

and kick our heels like jolly escaped asses.

Don’t do it, anyhow, for international Labour.

Labour is the one thing a man has had too much of.

Let’s abolish labour, let’s have done with labouring!

Work can be fun, and men can enjoy it; then it’s not labour.

Let’s have it so! Let’s make a revolution for fun!

A Sane Revelution by D H Lawrence

Brighton Rocks

2007-11-04T21:19:00.000Z

Even years ago I had a keen interest in fashion. What a cool Polo shirt (I can still fit in it!)

Halloween taken care of

2007-10-31T17:51:00.001Z

Dr Frobisher answers your problems

2007-10-26T20:57:00.000+01:00

KNOBBLY KNEES
My knees are very knobbly and always crack when I sit down. Does this mean something is wrong with my bones?

MJ, Canada.

DO wear black stockings with seams. Then when boys chat you up, sit back, cross your legs and hitch up your skirt till it's just above your knees.
It's your silly chubby knees causing him to mumble and stutter.

ORAL SEX
When we first had oral sex, he thought it was great. Now every time I try he says it hurts. I don't want to hurt him. What can I do?

John, Yorkshire.

LAVISH layers of cream on desserts. Ask for extra helpings of potatoes, chips and stodgy puds. Nosh all the carbohydrate-ridden stodge you can manage, ask for seconds, it'll counter your tremendous energy burn-up. Nibble nuts between meals.

HE'S CHANGED
I am nineteen years old and have been living with this guy for seven years. I love him very much. The trouble is since he got out of jail last year he has completely changed. Where he used to spend all his time with me, he now is hardly home at all. He drinks a lot and he also takes up with couple of other women. When I ask him about it, he gets mad. Sometimes he even hits me. He says it's none of my business. I don't know what to do any more.

Bruised, Bournemouth.

You're a normal, healthy, fun-loving person. Life is for living, but then again you don't believe in over-doing it. Wear well-cut trousers with a matching pure wool jumper. A little bit of everything keeps you happy.

Wild about Harry!

2007-10-22T22:00:00.001+01:00

Harry dogging at Avon Country Park - "over here Frobi"

Harry snorting

Harry finding the joys of man luv

Bonding with friends

God bless the Queen & the Royal Family :-)

England expects

2007-10-20T14:45:00.001+01:00

THUMBS UP FOR ENGLAND!

A past conquest of England Rugby star Lawrence Dallaglio says that he had a favourite sexual party trick. He could withdraw at the point of climax and then ejaculate only after shoving his own finger up his arse. Such ingenuity demands our support tonight (England vs South Africa World Cup Rugby Finals). Its just a shame that England Footballers won't pull their fingers out and try and emulate the success and team spirit of their compatriots with the odd shaped balls

Mr Gaskin's Curiosity Emporium

2007-10-16T19:46:00.000+01:00

Dorset is fast becoming the blogging capital of the world. Please welcome Mr Gaskin, drop by and say high. Highly recommended.

http://mrgaskinsemporium.blogspot.com/

Monday morning

2007-10-15T21:00:00.000+01:00

I walked to work this morning, we've got some surprisingly mild weather considering its October. The trees are putting on a great colour show and shedding their leaves - it's nice taking it all in as you walk, helps you wake up gradually. Getting into town and passing the Spar convience shop a young dosser in a door way said:

"Spare a quid for a cup of coffee."

He still had a can of Special Brew lager in his hand. I didn't answer, just carried on walking, staring ahead not even acknowledging him.

"Thank you. Have a real SHIT day."

I laughed, out loud. That tickled me, fucking cheek.

Oh Jeezus, what a Burma!

2007-10-11T18:53:00.000+01:00

Its hard not to feel upset about the tragedy emerging in Burma. The crackdown by the countries military junta following peaceful protests is terrible. Discontent started with a 500% rise in the price of fuel, which also sent the cost of foodstuffs soaring. The first marches were by students and monks and quickly spread, unfortunately the protesters have been met with curfews, tear gas and being shot at. There is no doubting their courage but why the sudden outpouring of concern for human rights from the West's leaders, after all the last protests were in 1988? And why is it twenty years late?

Gordon Brown gave us the answer in a comment piece in the Independent when he came to the heart of the matter - "Burma should be one of the most promising economies in south-east Asia. Instead, it is one of the poorest countries in the region."

Roughly translated - Burma's military junta just aren't very good at ensuring that enough of the country's natural wealth ends up in the hands of the western corporations. And recently, instead of opening the country up to western investment, the regime has become more friendly with regional superpower China. During the first seven months of this year, China-Burmese trade reached £600m up 40% compared to last year. So suddenly the West swings behind the idea of sanctions - maybe if the junta can be ousted then we could find more PR friendly people with whom we could do business.

The clashes in 1988 led to mass repression and the deaths of 3000, but extracted the promise of an election out of the junta. This was won outright two years later by the NLD, personified in the West by Aung San Suu Kyi who's been under house arrest for 11 years. Suu Kyi has achieved a Mandela-like status in the West in recent years, and Gordon demanded that any solution in Burma have her "at its heart". However her party has little control over the uprising. In fact they've been pleading from the sidelines for the gatherings not to become an excuse to topple the regime, preferring the adoption of sanctions by the international community to bring the junta to the negotiating table.

Burma solidarity campaigners have been screaming for sanctions for twenty years but apart from an arms embargo, the EU has only issued 'guidance' on investment. The largest western investor is French oil conglomerate, Total. The UK follows with $26m in trade but 'recommends' that the multinationals shouldn't increase trade with Burma. The EU - policing its guidelines - has confiscated a wallet-busting four grand. With such a brutal regime in power, it's also a little embarrassing when by 2000, the EU was responsible for almost three-quarters of all investment and nearly one third of those corporations doing business in the country had their headquarters based in Europe. Profits from foreign investment have helped double military spending at the same time the public health and education systems have crumbled. Outside investment is not the answer in Burma - it's the problem. What the west would like to see in Burma is a transition to 'democracy' of a wearyingly familiar market variety.

Its funny how your not presented with the full story on your TV news channels. Yet again China and the West are carving up the world for their own benefit. We're living in very dark times indeed.

http://indymedia.org.uk

Time to go

2007-10-07T12:55:00.000+01:00

"Oi! Frobie!"

"Whaa . . . who said that?"

"It's me! the toast - look at the toast its me Mickey Mouse!"

"Oh for Christs sake, whatever next."

"It's time to go Frobie, back the UK."

"Shan't, I have a sick note till the new year. I'm having far too much fun, the weathers excellent and the weed harvest festival it due at the end of the month. Juanton is on the verge of proposing to me. Out of the question."

"Juanton's gone, along with your wallet - run off with the maid, Kitten. Dr Blick has been struck off by the General Medical Council and is currently in Dorchester Prison awaiting sentencing. They've noticed you haven't been to work for the past month, that bitch from Human Resources has smelt a Rat!"

"I'm a Rat and your a Mouse!"

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said Mickey Mouse.

"I don't much care where –" said Frobi.

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Mouse.

"– so long as I get somewhere," Frobi added as an explanation.

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Mouse, "if you only walk long enough."

"I've no money now."

"Sell me on Ebay, that'll get you enough money to get home."

"But I have so many posts - stalking Simon Cowell - lunch with James Hewitt."

"England needs you Frobi, get packing."

Simon Cowell's house in Marbella!

James Hewitt (Princess Di's old boyfriend) having lunch at the next table at Metro, Puerto Banus.

Growing balcony style in Spain.

Marbella Madness

2007-10-02T19:22:00.000+01:00

A beach party! the warm evenings are just the thing for a few beers and a picnic (jerk chicken, feta cheese in filo pastry, five-spice prawns & salad nicoise) on the beach. But be careful where you sit, they do have "stingers" on the beach.

Tarjeta postal de Espana

2007-09-29T23:13:00.000+01:00

¡Hola! manejado para reclutar a una nueva enfermera personal aquí en España para ayudar con mi recuperación. Su nombre es Juanton, y él insistió en la toma de mí abajo la playa para una sesión de terapia Aqua que nada en el mar, seguido de un almuerzo enorme y mucha cerveza. El progreso es lento y Juanton dice que deberíamos hacer este cada día durante las próximas pocas semanas. La vida una hembra.

East Dorset Fire Festival

2007-09-22T15:59:00.000+01:00

Great excitement today as me, Mr. Mitchell & Bob (pictured) attentended the Autumnal Equinox Fire Festival in Bournemouth Gardens, a longstanding Wicca tradition it celebrates the leaving of the last tourists, exercising their evil spirits and celebrating Harvest - the return of Christmas Puddings, mince pies and chocolate Brazil nuts to Lidl & Aldi stores. Basically hundreds of burning displays creating a huge carbon footprint, the flames and smoke stir something primeval in us Dorset folk and naked dancing, fornacating and senseless violence are all encouraged on the night. Also something to celebrate is me leaving for Spain on Monday an enforced convelessence due to my recent surgery. Hopefully I'll be back in the New Year fit and raring to go, but I realise you can't hurry these things.

Off to a cocktail party at Gos's tonight! The theme is "eyelashes and earrings" - and have got these huge gold clip-ons and false lashes with little diamonds at the base! I might even take my camera - should be a hooley.

Frobishers Coillition of the Willing!

2007-09-17T20:26:00.000+01:00

Following the huge success of the last post (and being headhunted by a top blogging survey team). I have decided on a coilition of the willing to help Ben get back on the English Rugby Squad.

Im sure I can count count on your support. First Nations and Mr New Forest Pony are both frothing at the gash and have already pledged support. Mr Cuntt and MJ I'm sure will follow. And how knows? whichever way the wind is blowing Beast and Mutley may follow!

England lose again

2007-09-14T22:29:00.000+01:00

Bad news tonight, predictably the shambolic English Rugby team were thrashed 20 - nil by the ghastly South Africans in the Rugby World Cup.

As usual Johnny "Glass Man" Wilkinson watched from the sidelines, injured again. When are they going to get rid of him? he misses more matches than he plays and only survives on memory of the trophy winning drop kick when England won the Cup.

Shall I start up my campaign again to get Ben Cohen back in the team?

Health Bulletin

2007-09-11T16:52:00.001+01:00

Get Well Soon

against the odds I have survived, I am at home doped up to the eyeballs with meds & receiving well-wishers & gifts. The damn thing was on my right shoulder, so reaching and lifting things is out of the question for a few days, don't want to rip the stitches. Plans for a long recuperation on the Costa del Sol in Spain are almost finalised. Got to go Deal or no Deal and Come Dine with Me are coming up on TV.

Frobi goes "under the knife"

2007-09-08T15:09:00.000+01:00

Disturbing news here at Chez Naff, I have a suspicious mole on my back and have to have it removed next Tuesday at Christchurch Hospital. On hearing the terrible news I have immediately taken to my bed. Lets pick up the saga from now:-

With a knock on the bedroom door in sweeps (Sir) Dr. Blick, Frobi's trusted GP.

"Jeezus Frobi, how are you?"

I smile weakly from my nest of pillows. "It's ok, I'm putting a brave face on it Doctor". Dr B pours himself a large malt whiskey and parks his arse on the end of the bed, knocking ash from his cigar all over my Egyptian cotton duvet cover.

"Shithouse thing to happen, still I expect you'll need a sick note, eh?" a crooked smile on his face.

"Would you? I don't think I could face work, make it for six months. How about some Percocets, dexydrine, valium and viagra as well?" I push a brown paper envelope accross the bed towards him. At that time Sergei, my houseboy, enters the bedroom with my breakfast tray.

"He looks like he's been crying?"

"Yes, I told him he has to go back to the Ukraine."

"I thought he was from Poland?"

"He is, perhaps that why he's upset."

Oh, how we laughed! The room began to spin a little, my eyelids felt heavy and I felt I was drifting away carried by beautiful angels to somewhere warm and relaxing, somewhere where the sun shines all day and the bars never shut. Yes, that's it! I feel Spain is calling me.

To be continued . . .

Has anyone seen Jackie recently???

2007-09-08T00:37:00.001+01:00

Wild Animals of Dorset

2007-09-01T17:56:00.000+01:00

Hello Lloyd! remember me?

sorry I haven't bought you any treats. Would you like a bath?
AAARRGGHHHH!

A squirrels tale

2007-08-28T22:19:00.000+01:00

Got this story on an email from Mikey the another day. Quite thought provking, especially after hearing on the news that Learco Chindamo, 26, is to been given a new identity/house/benefits along with the rest of his family after serving a 12-year jail sentence for murder. The Italian born scumbag murdered head teacher and father of two Philip Lawrence who tried to stop him beating the shit out of one of his pupils. Apparently Learco cannot be deported back to Italy because he doesn't speak Italian and therefore it would be an infringement of his "human rights". Newspapers are barred from revealing his new identity or location and the family will receive 24hr police protection - at a cost of millions of pounds to taxpayers. Ah well on with the stories.

REST OF THE WORLD TALE

THE BRITISH TALE

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grass hopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders form the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is seized and redistributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newsly imposed retro-active taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport beause of Britains apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of jijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed the pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug "illness".

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediatgely because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000 and state the obvious is set up. Addition money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the Government for enriching Britains multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the Government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the Press blame it on the obvious failure of Government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequality and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid £1m pounds each beause their rights were infringed when the Government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in Government funds.

THE END

Weight Watchers

2007-08-22T22:56:00.001+01:00

I wonder if Beast will be "Dieter of the Week" again this week
at Boscombe Weight Watchers??

Dorset creatures!

2007-08-21T21:58:00.000+01:00

Is this a bedbug?

New Card arrives!

2007-08-15T20:27:00.000+01:00

Hay my new card has arrived! This card is not just a cheque guarantee card, in fact, it's not a cheque guarantee card.

However witness my brand new (dis) 'credit card's amazing purchasing powers for yourself. Just a wave of my card in the air in a largey, largey manner and watch as Im overwhelmed and how friendly shop assistants and lesser local government officials become, even bending over backwards to accommodate my every need (sometimes literally)

Closer to home my 'Large It' card can be used to obtain discount tickets at all V.S.A.D. Multi-screen Cinemas on films with a general adult theme. Free entry can also be had at all clubs and house music raves taking part in the 'Largey, Largey Liggers Promotion' (see teletext or Mixmag or Bournemouth Borough Council website for further details).

Other marvellous benefits include a '2-4-1' promotion at Boots the Chemist in conjunction with 'Un-Bong' that all essential Monday morning preparation for sniffles & tender noses, collapsed nasal passages and other Colombian Flu symptoms. Good discounts can also be had on rocks at Winty Leroy Bantaan's in Boscombe Crescent and also from Ziggy in the black BMW in Burger King's Drive-Thru car park on Saturday afternoons in Tower Park, Poole. 50% discount is also available off yesterdays Marks & Spencer's sandwiches & wraps. Oh and it also removes ice from your windscreen.

The Great Tomato Blight in Dorset 2007

2007-08-11T13:27:00.000+01:00

A state emergency has been declared in Dorset (level Pink) as the Tomato harvest has failed because of blight, caused by the cold wet summer. Widespread hunger is expected to occur. As you can see my Cherry Toms have fallen at Chez Naff. The Government is now shipping in tasteless tomatoes from Holland (yuk). I am keeping mine going and hopefully they'll infect the Spanish neighbours - serves them right.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2007-08-08T23:14:00.000+01:00

WARNING!

This post contains spoiler to JK Rowling latest enstallment in
the Harry Potter series of books.

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Objects of Desire

2007-08-05T18:26:00.001+01:00

Whew! on the hottest day of the year I decide to dismantle a large old wardrobe in my bedroom - a great big solidly built thing, but it had to go. What I found tucked away was this lovely clock.

My first thoughts was to flog it off on ebay, but I thought why not let my internet chums have first chance to buy it! As you can see its quite big (see fag packet for scale) - it would make quite a talking point in anyones lounge, in fact, people used to be quite lost for words when I had it on display at Chez Naff.

Its made from high-quality cream plastic with gold plastic embelishments, battery operated clock and spinning little conductor surrounded by spinning crystal swans, I think its a little bandstand as I have two singers, a double bass player and a flute player. At the back there's a girl with a big frock on standing in a arch surrounded by little bluebirds, God knows why, but she's there all the same.

Shall we start the bidding at £300 (US$900)?

Amazing but true

2007-07-31T20:43:00.000+01:00

I read a fascinating story on the BBC website about a "physic" cat called Oscar who lives at a nursing home in Providence, Long Island (somewhere in America I think). The 2-year-old cat has the remarkable ability to be able to tell when an elderly patient will snuff it, he curls up to them in their final hours, when put outside the room Oscar paces up and down meowing protesting. Aparently Oscar is v. accurate.

The cat is said to do his own rounds like the Doctors and Nurses but is generally not friendly towards the patients.

I bet he's not, I bet he scares the shit out of them when he wanders into their rooms and is on the receiving end of a walking stick or velcro-ed slipper.

It got me thinking about my cat, Mr. Stinks. Stinks has an amazing ability to know when it's his meal time, pestering me incessantly. He knows when I've changed the bedding and to spread his filthy hairs all over the quilt. He knows when MrC comes round and hides. He knows if Beast is coming round - he hides his food bowl! I have been trying to teach him tricks, jumping through a hoop, etc. But the only one he seems to have got the hang of is shitting in the Spanish neighbours garden - that never ceases to tickle me.

"Ya fucking cat iz shitty in my vegetable patch, again"

"Sorry I'll have a word with him"

Question of the Day

2007-07-28T20:08:00.001+01:00

I was thinking of having Pizza for tea!

What flavour should I choose?

Weddings again

2007-07-22T20:43:00.000+01:00

I battled against torrential rain on Saturday to get to Becky & Martins' wedding reception in Bradford-on-Avon in Wiltshire. When I got there it was surprisingly dry-ish. Caught up with some old friends and proceeded to get shit-faced. On their Aunt's farm they had a marquee all decorated with mirror balls, light show, silk drapes from the top of the tent and giant paper mache flowers with huge bees on them. A great disco playing blues/soul/punk/trash and a stage where their friends in groups just turned up and played. Outside they had proper event toilets, bouncey castle for the kids, a juice bar chill out tent & for a final stroke of genius a fish-and-chip van turned up later to serve us!! Sod Glastonbury & many thanks to B&M for putting on such a great party.

PLUS A FREE BAR!!

Ugh! we camped overnight - I had about 3 hours sleep and after vomitting had a two hour drive back to Chez Naff. I've been in bed most of the day, and keep getting cramp from where I was dancing too much! I'm afraid all the partying is going to have to stop for a while - I'm burnt out. And hungry.

Homerus Erectus

2007-07-17T20:26:00.001+01:00

A 180ft image of Homer Simpson has appeared next to the 17th century Cerne Abbas giant, an ancient fertility symbol in North Dorset. The local pagans are furious and are praying for "magic rain" to wash away the American invader. Judging by the current weather it seems that the prayers are working.

This means that relations between the USA and Dorset are at an all time low and the Pagan Federation are planning a "tit for tat" retaliation. I have done my bit by stealing sugar sachets from McDonalds + not flushing the lav in their toilets.

Here's a picture of another unwanted American invader!

She's beginning to look her age these days don't you think?

Oh, I suppose it comes to us all. Have you noticed any of the following?

You leave clubs early to "beat the rush"
You get more excited about having a roast on Sunday than going out on Saturday night.
Before throwing the local paper away you check out the Property section.
Before going out anywhere you ask about where to park.
You don't throw out those knackered trainers, but keep them for DIY or gardening.
You buy T-shirts without any writing or logos on them.
All of a sudden middle aged people aren't just 46, there ONLY 46.
Instead of laughing at the Innovations catalogue in the Sunday papers you suddenly see the benefit and money saving qualities of most of the stuff in it.
You don't get funny looks buying Wallace & Grommit bubble bath and Disney videos as the assistants assume there for your kids.
Pop music all starts to sounds the same & you don't give a shit whose top of the charts.
You always have enough milk in.
Flicking through the TV channels you stumble upon Time Team with Tony Robinson and get drawn in.
You wish you had a shed.
You have a shed.
Radio 2 plays more songs you recognise than Radio one.
When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
You say "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels".
You find yourself saying "Is it cold in here or is it me?"
You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
Err . . . thats it.

Silly twat

2007-07-13T20:36:00.000+01:00

"Britain will not be intimidated by terrorists," thunders Gordon Brown.

It's all right for him - he won't have to go on the buses that will soon become targets for bombers, or use the Underground, which already has. He's got a personal protection team to look after his family, plus a gas-proof Jag.

If he and Tony Blair had been more vigilant about who we let into this country, if they hadn't allowed extremists to be appeased, and bent over backwards to accommodate the wishes of people who hate everything we stand for, we wouldn't be in this mess now.

There's nothing new about Gordon Brown, he's been part of this Government from the beginning. Don't believe the hype. Over and out.

Summer break

2007-07-08T11:05:00.000+01:00

It's 11am Sunday and I've just got up, went to a party at Princess Fiona's last night and was drinking black Absinthe and feel spacey today . . . I was only there a couple hours

Anyway, I'm having a break from blogging for a few weeks, I'll still be visiting and commenting (I have to do something at work), but doing posts will have to wait, there's a lot on in the next few weeks and I'll be pushed for time.

Have a good summer xOx