Death and all his friends

Health News: I am recovering from dental surgery at the mo' - I've had an abscess removed from my gum. It was too deep to get at through the tooth so had to go to the hospital for day surgery. They refused to give me general anaesthetic and only gave me a local, my request for "certain" painkillers or even a horse tranquiliser was turned down flat and suggested I use paracetamol!

This is whats wrong with the National Health Service in this country - they just don't listen to the patients. Still, fingers crossed I didn't contract MRSA. So I am self medicating, long gone are the days when a phone call to (Sir) Dr. Blick would prompt a flurry of prescription forms. He was struck off by the General MedicalCouncil and has apparently set up a private practice in Cyprus now (lucky sods). My online medication service has been apparently shut down by the DEA in America, the owners are on the run (with my credit card details). A thorough search of the medicine cabinet and also under the bed also failed to bring results.

Still, a quick visit to Winty Bantaan's BMW, parked conviently in Burger King's car park in Tower Park, Poole (Mon-Sat 6-9pm, all day Sundays) came up trumps. I manage to purchase a quarter of weed, a heavy-hitting indica - great for pain relief and helping sleep while recovering.

Now - many people use weed medicinally, it can treat a wide range of symptoms, isn't toxic and has a plus side of being pleasurable. If it wasn't fun would it be a legal medicine? Undoubtably. What is it with all this puritanical bullshit?

Anyways, try and give the event above some support if you can. It really is a lifesaver to many people. Me? I shall be far too stoned to leave the house to attend.

Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I dunno why she swallowed that fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd, to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a cat,
Imagine that, she swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a dog.
What a hog! To swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat . . .
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog . . .
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a cow.
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat . . .
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog . . .
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat . . .
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird . . .
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly.
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a horse -
She's dead, of course.

I loved this song when I was a kid, any ideas who did it?

Psychic to the Stars

Well on Sunday in my role as President of the East Dorset Cheese Board and cultural attache for the "Sod the 2012 Olympics" campaign I attended An Audience with Sally Morgan at the Bournemouth Pavilion. Expectations were running high as Mitch, Paul & myself downed a couple of beers in the bar before the show. We'd all been fans of the TV show where she astounded and shocked "C" list celebrities with her spot on psychic abilities and seemed to have an open line to the spirit world.

I too used to hear "voices" telling me things (usually to shoplift) but these seem to have stopped since I gave up Crystal Meth.

Unfortunately the dumpy Sally didn't live up to expectations. She came on stage and did a little film show, mainly clips from her TV series. She then took "letters", questions from the audience written down beforehand, the cameraman on stage zoomed in on the unfortunate audience member and a mic was thrust into their hands. She barely got three right in the whole two hour show.

"I have a spirit here called Robert, here for you."

Audience member: "Err . . . I don't know a Robert"

"Bob, Bobby, Robbie, Rob, Roberta, Bert, Bertie, Beetie, Bee?"

Sorry no

Moving quickly on. "He's Gone, I have a message for Jane in the audience". "Is there a Jane here?" About fifty hands go up.

"Fred wants you to know he's ok"

Embarassed silence. "He's gone" "Lets take another question". And so it went on.

Perhaps I'm being a bit cynical but it was a bit embarrassing, and a number of people walked out in the interval. If you were a doubter I don't think this show would have won you over. But all the time she was on stage she reminded me of a show I saw there by Alan Carr. See the resembalance? And he was much better value for money.